Bad customer service

Having worked in jobs where I have clients and therefore customer service skills for years, I’m always baffled at how difficult some people find it to give good service. The fundamental requirements are quite straightforward and somewhat less intimidating than the demands you would have to deal with as a nuclear scientist or an army commander.

• Smile
• Be polite
• Look as if you care
• Only bitch about the moronic customers in private
• Be helpful

Yet for some reason I seem to be a magnet for such anti-customer service as:

• Laughter (not the same as a smile)
• Sarcastic politeness
• Indifferent composure
• Bitching, fortunately not about the customers, just about the guys they met on Friday night and that bitch who shagged their friend’s friend
• Lazy lazy lazy
• Sighs of boredom
• The amazing ability to give me the opposite of what I’ve asked for

(And reserved specifically for retail assistants)

·         Hysterical laughter when they purposefully leave the security tags on the clothes I’ve purchased so I set off repeated alarms all over the mall and have to return to whoever annoyed me and ask for them to take the things off

Deceptive headlines

Attention-grabbing front pages are as vital to the magazine industry as smear campaigns are to politics. However, some headlines falsely attract through misleading the public into believing the content is far more sensational than it actually is.  

For example:

Front page:

The Beckhams go on holiday!!

Picture of the Beckhams on a yacht (from last year’s July issue)

Inside:

Beckhams are on holiday this week!!

We don’t know where, but if it’s anywhere like last year, it will be exotic.

These days you cannot cough without being told you’re breaching health and safety standards. You cannot speak publically with someone suing you for using politically incorrect terminology because they don’t have the ability or eloquence of speech to offer a counter-argument. You cannot write about someone without being sued for defamation of character. And yet, in this climate of control false sensationalism gets away with it. It’s everywhere and it’s every week. But who can blame big business? If a magazine makes the same amount of money with a misleading headline as it would make through chasing a big story, then it may as well continue with the deception. If people are still buying the magazines then where is the incentive to be honest? Ironically professional integrity only exists when it pays to exist.

Mineral water expiry dates

How contradictory is it that the reverse label on a mineral water bottle reads something like this:

“This water originally fell onto the mountain as snow. After natural filtration through thousands of metres of volcanic rock and lava, it was bottled at the base of the mountain preserving the nutrients gained from its transit. EXPIRES 2009”

How does it expire?? I mean, so far it’s done pretty well.

Status quo people

I strongly believe life should be a balance. Even the least spiritually and philosophically inclined person has to admit, that the ying/yang symbol at its most basic level signifies the concept of balance. My motto is WWOO. Work, WorkOut, Out. It means work hard, workout harder and go-out before you get too old. The status quo person lacks balance because they have a predefined plan of how things should be and the plan normally requires saving pennies, sleeping, staying quiet at work to gain a slow and gentle promotion and marrying at the right age as opposed to marrying the right person. “Change” is a word the status quo person frowns upon and no matter how imperfect the perfect plan proceeds to be, they would much rather limit their expectations and accept their situation than change course. “Status quo people” are not my pet hate, since I believe everyone has the right to lead their lives how they want. But “status quo people” who look down on me with disapproving comments are my pet hate. They disapprove of the ambition, the financial insecurity, and the emotional upheaval that comes with moving around, taking on new challenges and meeting new people. They think my lifestyle changes are self-indulgent and dramatic and refuse to give sympathy when the risks I take don’t bring positive results. Instead, they say “I told you so” and validate their status quo routine through watching my peaks turn to troughs every once in a while. This obstacle course I’ve set myself on makes me doubt myself from time to time, and disappoints me when the obstacles are unexpected and tricky. But, whenever I reach the top of a strategically positioned cargo net and see the most amazing views, I realise I wouldn’t want to be on any other life-course.

Wardrobe extras

The other day whilst looking in my wardrobe at all my unworn items, I asked myself the question: Why do I buy stuff I don’t need and will never wear? Not one to ignore such poignant questions with worldwide significance, I answered my question: Because, on the shelf a pair of hot pink shoes are a work-of-art, but on me they look like candy floss with an identity problem.

Those of us that assign various items to the back of our wardrobe are people with a keen eye for art, we are people with an appreciation for beauty and we are people with no space to hang a painting. Consequently, we buy beautiful, artistically developed items of clothing to hang on ourselves instead, only to realise we don’t look as good as a renaissance painting so the items get demoted to the wardrobe and eventually charity.

Round make-up

Every single morning, I take my eyeliner and lip-gloss out of my make-up bag and head to the bathroom for application. Every single morning, either my eyeliner or my lip-gloss or both, fall onto the bathroom floor. Why? Because they are round and my sink surrounding is flat. Generally, all items of make-up are round and all surfaces are flat. When I do occasionally happen across square-shaped make-up, I wonder: “Who is the genius behind this practical idea?” Then I wonder: “Should I really be calling them a genius since they are obviously just cleverer than a five-year-old?” It’s quite clear that round make-up is a total, unmitigated pain in the backside.

Fashionless victims

Before you start thinking the Fashion Police have invaded my website and are about to let loose a tirade of offensive language about retro chic being worn at the wrong type of event, appreciate that I am in no way qualified to give such opinions. I also believe in the individual dressing individually and setting themselves apart from the crowd. And when it comes to money, some of us might look fantastic with a designer budget but with our more modest budgets we have to settle for looking as good as we can afford.

My issue is purely and simply with the people who look like they’ve made an enormous amount of effort to dress badly and attract stares they can complain about. I’m referring to very fat people in cropped T-shirts and the good-old lycra© mini-skirt in the dead of winter drawing attention to white, goose-pimpled legs. I’m referring to people who insist on wearing the highest heels but hobble inelegantly, hunch-backed along the street. These are not, by any stretch of the imagination, attractive looks to go for.

High-fashion is a dog-eat-dog, ruthless world. One day a celebrity will be commended for bringing frontless/backless dresses back in fashion and the next day the same celebrity will be berated for wearing a lace dress because it’s too racy. The term “fashion victim” is slung around by pretentious know-it-alls, who we can’t help but adore.

My pet-hate isn’t about high-fashion or fashion victims, it’s about the people who understandably don’t care about fashion, but also don’t care about looking half-decent. Modesty doesn’t appear to exist in their world, even though it really really ought to! The very basic elegance that comes with walking in a straight line is superseded in their world by crouched limping. Maybe they think the stares are stares of envy. I don’t know.  

Useless job advertisements

I’m not sure why, but in many job advertisements the salary isn’t quoted. Why is this? If it’s because the salary is dependant on experience then common sense dictates that at least a salary range can be quoted. If it’s to stop an applicant from being put off by a low salary, then I would like to point out to the employers of the world that for some of us the salary actually does matter. This is regardless of how fantastic the opportunity is. For those of us with bills to be paid and debts to be managed, the salary amount simply has to be factored into the job search. Maybe the whole point is to stop unsuitable candidates applying just because they see a large salary. I hardly think this is a problem, just filter them out at the next stage, a quick read through of their CV and certificates should solve that problem.

In a related subject I take issue with certain graduate recruitment events run by companies in order to find the right candidate. I take issue with these because, although I understand the very valid purpose behind them, they do discriminate against lower income applicants. Allow me to illustrate this point. You are obliged in most cases, to research the company and the industry in as much detail as possible, then to travel to the recruitment event and find overnight lodgings at your own expense. You are then expected to dazzle the employer with your company specific knowledge as well as answering many difficult questions. You participate in group seminars with other hopefuls to see who knows the most and who can talk the loudest. The whole purpose of these two days is to move from being a potential candidate to become an actual applicant. Up until to this point you are just someone who successfully completed university and tried to apply for a good career online, only to discover that it isn’t possible, since you  must go through a complex competitive, time-consuming process in order to even APPLY!! At the end of the event you MIGHT be handed an application form. Furthermore, you need to research more than one of these companies and attend more than one of these events in order to have a realistic chance of getting a job. What if you cannot afford to attend these events? What if you’re working your ass off to make money and cannot afford to take time off? What if you’re working your ass off and simply do not have enough hours in the day to thoroughly research multiple companies you may never even get an interview with? Tough. Few companies have this application procedure, but in my opinion, those who do, are not practicing equality.  

Musical genius with wheels

Walking along the side of the road has never been a relaxing stroll for me. Far too many times has a boy racer slowed down beside me with music blasting and in many cases neon lights flashing from every orifice of the vehicle. But why does this annoy me so much? I guess it annoys me because I’m not sure what reaction I’m supposed to have. Evidently the young men are expecting a reaction. That is why they’ve slowed down to stare me up and down and occasionally make audible sentences. I am inclined towards the possibility that the young men are expecting a positive, somewhat impressed reaction. This is where I get stuck. I cannot quite bring about this impressed response. The ability that these young men have to turn up the volume control on their CD players isn’t really an ability I praise since my dog could do that with training. Perhaps I could try to get excited about the expensive, state-of-the-art, in-car music system they have invested in, since this obviously shows good taste and boys that have worked hard for their money. No, this doesn’t bring about any particular reaction either. I’m sure my dog could also tell the difference between a shit music system and a good one and I’m sure these boys live with their parents and bought the music systems with their pocket money. I guess I could praise their taste in music if it is the same as I my own. That is probably the only time I will get impressed, when music I enjoy pulls up at my side adding energy to my walk. I have to admit the neon lights do impress me though. If you can concentrate on driving at night with enough lights around you to make a Christmas tree jealous, then you my friends, have skill.

“We cannot accept liability for goods and possessions lost or stolen on the premises.”

Just once I would like to see a sign in a car park that reads something like this:

“We DO take responsibility for cars damaged or stolen as a result of our incompetent security team, who we pay a salary to be here for absolutely no reason.”

If the establishment really cannot be liable, then I suggest the following:

“Whilst you enjoy spending copious amounts of money on our premises we would like to let you know, that despite your ongoing much appreciated patronage of our establishment, if your car gets robbed we don’t give a shit.”

I think that just about says it all.

Penny pinching tight wads

Known invariably as money grabbers, penny pinchers and tight wads, they are the type of people who build large apartment blocks on small plots of land, who open restaurants with great food but with plastic seats, who open expensive supermarkets but encourage retail assistants to use as few plastic carrier bags as possible and squeeze a baguette into a bag the size of a cornflake. The basic business principle of spending money to make money has completely escaped their notice as they practice the principle of “look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.” They are interested in short term goals and short term profit. They cut corners and eventually put themselves out of business, only to open a different business entirely until its all change again in a year’s time. They have no desire to be known for their business acumen, their long-term investment strategy or their assets. They want quick money and a superficially flashy lifestyle for all to see.

These type of people wind me up and I’m not exactly sure why. I imagine it’s because paradoxical behaviour confuses me. These people lack ambition, have no shame and yet have a contradictory greed for money. I also hate to see a good idea go to waste. If that supermarket mentioned in the example above is fantastic, I will use it in spite of the slightly amiss service, so I find it a shame when it disappears over night because of corner-cutting. 

Flash whores

I hate those dirty little flash sticks with multiple users. They infect my computer with unpronounceable viruses and scrabble the files they are supposed to “save.”  They fight all anti-virus software when all it’s trying to do is help and if they have a little lid, they always lose their little lid, as if they want to be caught with their pants down and their USB “connector” on show.

As far as I can understand, the entire concept of an ATM machine is to speed up the cash withdrawal process. Once upon a time people would have to queue for hours at a bank counter to withdraw money. The advent of the ATM machine has made banking quicker and more convenient…. or so we are led to believe. However there is a variable in the ATM machine banking experience that must be considered…. PEOPLE. The inventor of the ATM machine obviously didn’t expect there to be so many people who love to withdraw cash from several cards at one time, who press the buttons very slowly, who always print a mini statement first and who spend a fair amount of time rearranging their money and cards in their purses before leaving the machine. These people have no concern for the queue behind them or the fact that they are using an express service. Why can’t they just go into the bank and ask for statements, think about which accounts to withdraw from, have a coffee, rearrange their handbags and catalogue their receipts?

Slowwwww drivers

If you don’t have the confidence to drive, get off the f****** road! I honestly think that 90% of drivers drive too slow, 5% drive too fast and irresponsibly and the remaining 5% have skills. If everyone drove like the skilful 5%, traffic jams would be fewer, life would be less stressful, rush hour would have less of a bad reputation and accidents would be far fewer.

When I talk about skilful drivers, I’m not just talking about speed. I’m talking about cautious, look-ahead driving. I’m talking about using the outside lane when you are actually prepared to drive faster than the person in the inside lane as opposed to parallel to them! I’m talking about using indicators, lights and gears correctly (they are actually rather useful tools!) I’m talking about moving at green traffic lights when the person in front of you moves instead of sitting there for 4 seconds. (These 4 seconds count. It causes an accumulative affect if everyone in the queue does it. I believe there is actually research into this, the fact people study queues is an interesting quasi-pet hate for another time).

But the one inexplicable thing about slow drivers I cannot get my head around, is how slow drivers go even slower down hills. I challenge the reader to check this out. When I am stuck behind a slow driver I feel relief as we both approach a downhill point in the road because by the laws of physics they have to damn well speed up now! They have no choice! However, they always manage to slow down even more! This is either excessive brake usage because they DO NOT have enough CONFIDENCE to be on road or they are just trying to piss me off.

Slow drivers of the world: What do you have against bicycles? You go the same speed as a bicycle, you obviously don’t have tight schedules. Use a bicycle! Save the environment. Get some exercise. Or take a damn bus.

I salute all countries with a minimum speed limit. Keep up the good work. I hope you lock the idiots up or take away their licenses. Just don’t give them back their cars until they know how to use them properly. Or kindly provide them with a nice environmentally friendly BICYCLE

Morning people

I find morning people to be the most peculiar phenomena. I believe some of us simply have the natural tendency towards the nocturnal, which causes a mild irritation within us when we see happy morning people skipping along the side of the road.
My personal evidence for my more nocturnal nature is as follows: Generally I maintain a very steady state until 11am . Post 11am I have the potential to get excitable and maybe even manage a little singsong. This isn’t strange in itself for someone who often falls asleep after midnight . However the paradoxical and slightly odd truth is that even if I sleep early I cannot rouse excitement pre 11am. If I go to bed at 6am and have 5 hours sleep I will wake up at 11am feeling perfectly energised. So not only do I believe in my slightly nocturnal nature, I also think that our optimum amount of sleep needed corresponds to specific times of the night. 5 hours sleep just won’t do if taken at the wrong time.

I have good friends who are morning people and apart from observing their peculiar morning behaviour when I stay the night, I tend to get a tiny bit frustrated by the enthusiasm of it all. They don’t even know where the snooze button on their alarm is, let alone use it, they run around like a hyperactive, horny chicken on a promise and they cook themselves huge breakfasts. As soon as the behaviour starts to impose on my steady morning state I feel a slight irritation setting in followed by guilt for being irritated at a friend who likes mornings. I ought to be commending them since in most of our careers we all have to work early regardless of our natural nocturnal tendencies. But then you have the morning people who have reached the optimum height of irritating morning behaviour… let’s just call them JOGGING PEOPLE!! And they don’t just jog at the gym or on a quiet road they jog on the roads we use to drive to work. As I drive to work they happily jog along the side of the road imposing on my steady morning state and making me feel guilty. My gym instructor asked me once why I only exercise at night, I just stared at him with that look that means: this type A personality who has very active stressful days at work comes to the gym at night to exercise her stress away and punch gym instructors who ask stupid questions. 

Drama Queens

Ever since I can remember I’ve fantasized about becoming a princess and that fantasy has never really warn off. When Princess Diaries 2 came out at the cinema the only person I could convince to go with me was my 11-year-old cousin who didn’t find the pretty dresses and tiaras especially desirable. She has already grown out of that fascination. But for me it was so exciting. My cousin laughed at my excitement and made fun of my immaturity and idealistic naivety. This idealistic side of my nature transcends into reality in two ways.

Firstly, moderation is a word which only weakly resides in my vocabulary. I’m slightly demanding and very dramatic about absolutely everything. If I were a footballer I would get red cards both on and off the pitch. Secondly, I annoy everyone with my hopeful, ideal way of advising certain love-related situations. If my friends hear one more word about destiny and a knight in shining armour they may well punch me square in the nose.

I guess I have to include drama queens in the pet hate section. I imagine that in a vote, the majority would throw them in here. However, when drama queens are disillusioned and angry we are great fun to watch. A vibrant mix of verbal communication and body language prove that a drama queen does indeed have a fruitful and quick-witted intellect. If you buy tickets to watch you’re surely going to have a good laugh.

Eternal sales

Certain furniture stores which advertise sales on the television every week – note to self – you haven’t stopped the sale in about 8 years! Maybe it’s time for a change of tactic.

British trains

It takes the piss doesn’t it?

Let’s summarize:

• It’s difficult to get a seat, but the price is the same seated or standing uncomfortably by the toilet.
• If you do reserve a specific seat in advance for example in coach G, that’ll be the day they leave coach G in the shed!
• The train will either be delayed or stop on the way for no obvious reason, usually announced after some time as signal failure or engine trouble.
• The food options onboard are limited and cost far too much because of the lack of middle of the track competition. This situation will remain until train companies start to lease out different parts of the train to more than one catering company!  
• If you have to buy a ticket on the train because the ticket office at the station was closed, the conductor interrogates you with test questions as if the closed sign was a figment of your imagination and the ticket office was in fact open.  
• If as a woman you get stuck in a strange place in the middle of the night because the trains are delayed causing you to miss your connection, there are no procedures. You might if lucky be given a random taxi. Perfectly safe.
• When you are on a delayed train and have been on it for more than 45 minutes, you are given a compensation form to fill out, which normally entitles you to a 5% discount on your next journey with the same train company. I find it very presumptuous, that the train company assumes you’ll ever take one of their trains again! And a 5% discount isn’t the most assured way of luring an angry customer back.
• Have you ever used the fast track payment system? This is normally a handy system because you can book the ticket by internet or phone just before the journey and pick up the ticket from the collection machine at the station. However, no-one else can book the ticket for you because you need their credit card when you go to the collection machine. If the queue at the collection machine is an hour long causing you to risk missing your train you cannot under any circumstances board the train without the ticket and expect the train conductor to know about this internet system. You see, it’s completely separate. If you give him your booking reference and explain the problem it makes no difference. If you haven’t got a physical ticket, the conductor makes you pay again or gives you a fine.

Everyone has pet hates. Room 101 wasn’t invented for nothing. Everyday we all encounter many little things, which try our patience and are not an infrequent occurrence. Let us share!

Pay as you pee

The call of nature can at the best of times be inconvenient. However, when you must search around for a 20 pence piece to pay for a toilet, the situation can become quite problematic. You may not even be able to answer the call of nature. Imagine for example, you are a woman at Kings Cross train station in London …

You have a ridiculously heavy suitcase; you’ve just come from Heathrow and have no English money in your purse. You drag your heavy luggage to the cash machine, queue for a while, withdraw a £10 note. You then drag your heavy luggage to WHSmith to change it. You then drag your heavy luggage all the way to the other side of the station where the ladies is located, dragging it  down a narrow staircase knocking into people on the way. (Having a staircase instead of a lift in any way associated with a train station is stupid enough without it also being a very narrow staircase). You come to the barrier at the bottom of the staircase, by now sweating profusely and worrying you will miss your train, pop the 20 pence in and try to force your luggage through the small gap, since there is never an attendant at the luggage gateway. You drag your heavy luggage to the cubicle and not surprisingly the cubicle is a bit too small for your luggage. A tannoy announcement informs you not to leave your luggage unattended because it’s a security risk and when you come back it will have been blown up, so you try to fit it in the tiny cubicle with you, strategically fitting your legs around the suitcase. If you took gymnastics as a child you feel glad you did, if you didn’t too bad. . You then have to attempt to get out of the cubicle, drag your suitcase back through the barrier and drag it all the way back up the narrow staircase.

What is the alternative? To pee on the platform or carry a portable loo with you?  And what will happen if you pee on the platform? You will get arrested.

I find this notion of paying to answer the call of nature absolutely ridiculous and even more so when it is made almost totally unachievable through poor design and poor services. I therefore propose that next time I’m in London I will bring my own portable loo with me, position it somewhere in a train station and allow everyone to use my toilet for free!!

EMAIL IF YOU ARE IN SUPPORT OF THIS IDEA!

Inane grins

People with the inane grins and vacant looks on their faces always seem to be sat opposite me on a train. I am not referring to a person who genuinely doesn’t have any lights on upstairs. I am referring to the perfectly intelligent individual who is sat thinking:

“I’m smiling for no reason, mainly out of pure naivety to the world around me. The weird guy shouting abuse at everyone doesn’t bother me because there is a smell of flowers in the air. My best friend just made a pass at my husband but that’s okay because the trees are swaying in the wind. Although I am very wealthy and can afford a baby carrier, I carry my child in cloth just like the Africans because I identify with the world.”

I have two words for you “Reality” and “check.”  While we’re on the subject of reality checks lets make a quick reference to ‘happy people.’ ‘Happy people’ are those people who never admit to being disappointed, never stand up for themselves and never have an opinion one way or the other. They avoid confrontation and try to see the good in absolutely everyone. Nice idea, but once again a check of reality is the order of the day. Honesty is an asset if you want to improve your situation and avoid being walked all over.

If you get a bad haircut, ADMIT it, go back to the salon and tell them you want it fixing!   

Caravans

Since passing my driving test seven years ago I have gradually built up an abhorrence to the concept of caravans. The notion of roaming everywhere freely is fantastic. Caravans in themselves are not bad. However, during the summer months, the majority of the caravan owners are not roaming freely, they have a careful plan of where, when and how long. They know exactly which sights they are going to see and which routes they are going to take. They have already booked the sight where they will carefully plug in the electricity and water supplies. It therefore makes virtually no sense to me that they tow along a caravan.

The other problem with the fans of planned caravan holidays is the way they learn the short-cuts to their favourite destinations! What is the point? They already go very slow. Taking small country roads only annoys the local people that are taking the short-cuts to avoid the caravans! Furthermore it’s dangerous for vehicles towing caravans to take small roads, when there is an alternative available, since they are wider and larger moving objects!

It is wrong for me to hate the London congestion charge in order to reduce the amount of cars going into the centre of the city and encourage the use of public transport. After all, London has a fantastic public transport system. The underground is very well ventilated; the trains are never late, almost never cancelled, perfectly safe and run all night. The buses run like clockwork, the drivers fight over each other to be helpful and the buses are very modern, and highly comfortable.

Shopping trolley deposits

Sticky price tags

How annoying are price tags that just won’t peel off? Shoes are a good example. Almost any product you plan on giving as a gift are another. It’s always possible to peel off about half of the price tag but at this point you have to give up the effort. Easy peel-off labels do exist, I have seen them many times, but for some reason these are not yet used as a regular pricing system.

Centralized call systems

These days most banks, insurance firms and public companies have centralised call systems. In order to contact a small village branch of a bank you have to call the central call centre, located somewhere in a heavy accented region of the UK . After navigating your way through the many options you eventually get through to someone you can’t completely understand who then puts you through to your local branch or alternatively leaves a message with them to call you back the next day. This is the new style of customer service. Long, unnecessary, inconvenient and expensive.

Option 7

Packaging